(Couldn’t think of an apt title)

My mind races, my body aches.  I find it mildly funny and ironic that my happy place right now is the gym. I get lost with my thoughts there. A place where you tend to be around people, but alone at the same time. A place to think, or a place where you don’t need to think. A place where you can just slap on your earphones and think. Or if your mood suits it, just concentrate on getting that last rep in.

I’m in my usual bout of something.  I can’t think of the proper thing to call it.  Depression? Self-loathing? Quarter-life crisis?  I don’t really know.  I think I’m just tired. Yeah, it’s that usual line again.  Tired of having to show that everything’s ok, that I’m happy, that my life is going where I want it.

For once, I wish I could be as selfish, that I can just stop trying to please everyone.  To just stop thinking about what others might think.

While drinking a cup of coffee from the “suking tindahan”, I checked my calendar to see what I have planned for tomorrow. I saw that today is the 21st of December.

Five years ago, at this exact date, I was waiting for my sister at the Hong Kong International Airport.  I was coming home from Toronto, marking the end of my first ever business trip.  She was coming home from New York for her first time back after starting her Phd.  That trip marks the first time the entire family would be in Hong Kong together.  It’s usually two or three of us there visiting for a couple of days.  Why were we in Hong Kong?  it was the year our grandmother got diagnosed with cancer. It was the family’s  way of starting to say good bye. It was the start of a tradition that would last 4 years.  Also, it was her 80th birthday on the 26th.

So there I was, waiting for her at the terminal, limping on my broken knee from a botched attempt at skiing (yes, it still hurts from time to time, up until now). Waiting for my sister to get there so we can take the bus to our aunt’s house together. I had to wait for her since she doesn’t know how to ride HK public transport system and I do.

Five years.  God, has it been that long.   Five years ago, I started working, 20 years old, fresh out of college.  Working for one of the biggest companies globally.  I loved the responsibility. I loved the challenge.  I loved how eventhough I was still a kid, people considered me an expert. For the first time, people actually listened.  The trip I took was because I was the resource responsible for the technical details of the work of around 15 external contractors. We were migrating/upgrading platforms in january.  That trip was to finalize everything.  making sure everything was ready.

Forward 2 years, at around november of ‘05. I left that job.  I got burnt out.  One can live on adrenaline for only so long.  Decided that I was too young to be getting that old.  At 22, I felt like 30,  must’ve been all those deadlines, all those late night calls.  all those waking up at 4AM to answer some mundane question about user management when you just got home an hour ago.  Tired would be the apt word. tired of falling asleep in front of your keyboard.  It was time for a change.

What was next?  I stayed with the university for a year and a couple of months. Till ‘06 if I have my dates right. I was working on my masters degree, also working for a project in UP.  That was hell of an experience.  Not just the project I was working on, but also the other things I got to do.  I would say teaching would be the highlight of that period.  I loved teaching.  Not just because you “impart” knowledge to other people, but also for the ego boost. Nothing beats having a classroom of IT Instructors, 10-20 years your senior,  their attention focused on you, listening to every word you say,  having a hard time understanding concepts that seems elementary to you.  Yes, evil, but at least I’m honest.  Although the best feeling I had was to actually see the light bulb go off in their eyes when they finally understand.  Yes, it was a job well done.

2006, I joined a company in makati.  It sounded promising. I was sold halfway through my interview with the country manager. The opportunity was great, management, however, was not. I wasted a year there.  Sigh… a freaking year.

2007, at around november, I joined my current company.  First impressions, unfortunately, was not good. While things haven’t gotten better, my expectations have dropped.  So I learn to live with it.  At least I have a job right?

So that’s been my five years.  Nowhere near what I answert o those “Where do you see yourself five years from now?” interview questions. Have I grown? I sure hope i did.  Have I changed, I don’t really know.  What I’m sure of is that I’ve gotten somewhere, and yet I’m still nowhere.

My knee still hurts.

Have you ever felt that all you do is run around in circles? That’s how I’ve been feeling the last couple of months and more so this past two weeks. I’ve always thought that I had direction, that I have everything planned out on my head. But as of lately, I don’t know. My mom would usually ask me a couple of question, regarding what I want to do, what I’m currently doing, my answer would always be, “relax I have everything planned out”. Yes, I’ve been able to answer her with that, I may even sound like I mean it. Then I would lie awake in bed, thinking, Do I really have everything planned out or do I even have a plan. A lot of times I just fall asleep with that thought. sometimes even with a tear on my eye.

It’s just hard. or it gets hard. My older siblings has it all made out for them. My sister’s finishing her PHD. My brother’s, well, being his usual perfect self. It gets hard when you see them succeed. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all happy for them. but I guess seeing it all just makes you look more into what’s going on with your life.

And I’m tired. Tired with competing. Tired of making it appear that everything’s all right. Tired of failing. Just plain tired. I remember a year back. Every night, as I drive home from the office, along the stretch from C-5 to White Plains, where everything just seems so peaceful, a thought always pop inside my head. What if i lose control of the car, everything would just be over.

Maybe I just need to get back on track. Maybe I just miss my little pot of sunshine. Maybe I just need a reason for getting out of bed in the morning. Maybe.. yeah, maybe… life is full of maybes.

I know, this is an incoherent post. Bear with me, and if you really know me, you would understand. I am utterly incoherent.

As I’ve always said, life is nothing but an endless stream of deadlines.

I heard this line from Scrubs… “A story with a happy ending is just a story that’s not yet finished”.

yes i’m weak… weak and tired…

1. His/Her second language would be Java (first one would be tagalog, of course)
2. He/She would have her mother’s uncanny ability of always being properly projected when having a picture taken (Even though he/she doesn’t know it’s being taken)
3. The first sound she makes would be “click”
4. Nope, she won’t do baby talk forever (not like her mother). although she can switch it on and off
5. She/He will play DotA and would own Dan’s ass
6. She/He would not go into a Mac vs PC debate. She would be able to hack both, and linux too.
7. She/He would never need to explain how java can be good enough for writing games.
8. She/He would learn how to click the shutter button waaay before she learns how to walk (hmm… that’s going to be a lot of worm’s eye view shots)
9. Yes, she will get a 1.0 on all her CS classes, throw in her math classes too. oh yes she will.

Yes, When I do get a kid, I want the first one to be a girl

I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately.  I have this nagging feeling at the back of my head. You know, the feeling that you’re going around in circles, the feeling that you’re going nowhere, fast.

Maybe it’s just me getting over getting burned out.  I don’t know.  All I know is that I have to get over this phase as soon as I can. I need a new routine.  I need to stop sleeping at the wee hours of the morning. I need to start waking up early.  I need my passion, my drive, my mojo, my juju(watch grey’s anatomy for this).  I need to jumpstart my life.

or maybe I just need a Macbook pro.. heheheheh 

hehehehe…

Hunny Pot’s extra shnuggly today(for people that don’t really know what this means, it’s not kinky or anything ok).

I’ve actually narrowed down her shnugglyness schedule for a month. There’s a day when she’s extremely mataray, then after 2-3 days, she’s going to be extra shnuggly. Both at the extreme ends. Points for who can guess which one’s when.  It actually never misses.  No matter how much she tries to deny the accuracy of my theory, it still hasn’t failed. hehehehe….

She’s going to kill me when she reads this…..

I’ve narrowed down my choices to 2 laptops:

The Acer Aspire AS5672WLMi and the Macbook Pro.  The Acer is cheaper by around $400.  While i do like the aluminum casing of the Macbook Pro(Plus it’s a Mac. hehehehe)

Anyway.. isip isip nalang muna

Found this link from Sir Rommel’s blog:

MacFixIt – Special Report: Troubleshooting the MacBook Pro:

30″ Cinema Display distortion
Audio distortion/poor sound quality
Battery problems: Shuts off when not connected to power, more
Built-in Display distortion
Dead-on-arrival units
Downgraded SuperDrive relative to PowerBook G4
ExpressCard issues
FireWire 800 cards for ExpressCard/34 slot on the way
High-pitched whining noises: Eliminating
iSight not functioning properly — fix
Kernel panics upon waking up (Inability to wake from sleep)
Lack of alternative power adapters
Missing components
Notes from service manual
Poor general network performance
Printer issues: Not recognized, more
Problems sharing the Internet connection
Release notes
Slow networking performance with VLANs; VOIP phones
Wireless connectivity issues

Sigh, there are a lot of issues with the Macbook Pro. This is making me rethink my decision on getting one.

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Never thought commas can be this… ummm…. kinky…

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